Today.

Today has been one of the worse days of my life. Or somewhat in that direction. Over the past 4 or is it 5 years I’ve been struggling with depression after my older brother chose to pass over to a world I couldn’t follow. Everyday that passes is a struggle, just to get up and get out of the house. To be around people, to put on my pretend face and try to… try to hold my shoulders high and my head an inch above yesterday. It’s not easy. Especially now. When I feel so alone, when I feel like…things are going to hell. I know, I’m probably wallowing in self pitty but tell me; where the hell can I get all of this shit out? Without going to a shrink… without being locked up alone, without getting drugged to you don’t feel a thing?

To open up is hard. I never do it anymore. Only on special occasions.. when I feel I’m sinking away from everything. When everything falls. As Anastacia once sang

Everything burns
Everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this faith
And all of this pain
Burning all down
Cause my anger reigns
Everything burns
( Everything burns- Ben Moody ft Anastacia)

I can’t help it. I know I have friends, I know I’m loved. But.. I don’t feel it. I can’t see it. All I know is that I need to get away from this. From this live, from this place. Last time I did this,I went to the US. Now I’m thinking about the UK. Just to get away from everything. Start on a new page. Have another chance. I’m not selfish. I’ve put my own state of mind on hold for so many people; my friends, my parents and so many others. Just pushed myself last in line. Perhaps that’s why I’ve survived and haven’t sunk deep down. But I will admit it for the first time, with these words:

I’m suffering from depression.

Just so we’re clear this is Wikipedia’s discription of depression:

In the fields of psychology and psychiatry, the terms depression or depressed refer to both expected and pathologically chronic or severe levels of sadness, perceived helplessness, loss of interest or pleasure, and other related emotions and behaviour

Such a mixture can include (but is not limited to) anger, fear, anxiety, despair, guilt, apathy, and/or grief, in addition to what many people would describe as typical "sadness". It is harmful for the human body and can affect proper functioning of the brain.

There. I said it. Confessed it.

And I just need..love…understanding. I don’t need pitty. I don’t need your “ oh are you alright hunny?” eyes. I don’t need a shrink. I’ve been to so many but they all ask the same, they don’t help. They just… annoy me. I feel like I’m just like everyone else. Nobody is like me. Nobody has gone through what I’m going through no matter how many people have been in the same situation. We’re different, we all go through it differently.

Right now I just need… someone to understand that I don’t want to be like this. That I’m trying as hard as I can to feel better. I don’t know if I can fix it. I know I won’t be cured. But I’ll survive. I’ve always have. I just really could need someone who’d really be there. Not just in the word. But be there when I’m at my worse. Be there when my knees start to crumble. Be there… when I feel like giving up.

What helps me now through these swings? My music esp Evanescence. What’s my favorite song right now?

This one:



Evanescence- Lithium