Update: My life

Right now I'm not doing so good. I don't have any thing I want to do, other then stay home and sleep this bug of depression out of my system. Lately I've been feeling lonely. I've gone to bed and woken up alone for the past years but right now it feels terrible to be alone. Then again.. I'm to afraid to commit to any relationsship with a man. My heart has been pretty beaten up these last couple of years and I'm afraid that only one more blow.. it will shatter beyond repair.

I've been known to isolate myself when one of these waves come over me and people try to get me around and about. But it doesn't really help when my beautiful friends drag their bf into everything. Ugh:-( I know.. I'm having a real feel sorry for me blog day.. But I can't help it.

Sometimes I wonder if there really is someone for me out there or if I'm going to walk the road of this life all by myself. Carrying on with the one night stands and the secret double mask. I wish I could just open up and let someone in but it terrifies me... And my confident is at it's lowest point. I think I need to get away from it all but then again.. what am I running from? It's not them.. It's me... It all lies within my own mind and soul... and to repair something like that... I don't think I have the strength to walk alone anymore... I just wish that someone could come along and hold my hand, stroke my back in the morning while leaving small kisses on my shoulders....

I need to feel something other than the emptiness inside... I haven't felt love for any man, nor have I felt the flutter or butterfly wings in over a year.. I can't remember how it feels really... God.. I need to get drunk...

The Raven... By Edgar Allan Poe

I stumbled across some old school work and found one of my many favorite poems by the American writer Edgar Allan Poe. He was know for his dark, mysterious and macabre tales and is considered as the inventor of the detective-fiction genre.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; — vainly I had tried to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow — sorrow for the lost Lenore —
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me — filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
"'Tis some visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door —
Some late visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door; —
This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you " — here I opened wide the door; —
Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore!"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" —
Merely this, and nothing more.

Then into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon I heard again a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore —
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
'Tis the wind and nothing more!"

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door —
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door —
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore —
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning — little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no sublunary being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door —
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered — not a feather then he fluttered —
Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other friends have flown before —
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

Wondering at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster so when Hope he would adjure —
Stern Despair returned, instead of the sweet Hope he dared adjure —
That sad answer, "Never — nevermore."

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore —
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Angels whose faint foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee — by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite — respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore;
Let me quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! — prophet still, if bird or devil! —
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted —
On this home by Horror haunted — tell me truly, I implore —
Is there — is there balm in Gilead? — tell me — tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil — prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us — by that God we both adore —
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting —
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! — quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted — nevermore!

-The End—



First published in January 1845.

I have nothing more to say...

That's exactly how I've felt since last week. Like crying. Giving up. I feel so rejected and alone it isn't even fair. I don't know why, I just feel like giving up. Turn of the lights in my room and crawl up like a ball in my bed.

"Nobody cares about anything but them selfs...not really..."

This has been playing inside my mind for the whole day. It won't let go nor will it just pass...

I just know... I could really need a real friend right now...but nobody is stepping up to the task....

Today.

Today has been one of the worse days of my life. Or somewhat in that direction. Over the past 4 or is it 5 years I’ve been struggling with depression after my older brother chose to pass over to a world I couldn’t follow. Everyday that passes is a struggle, just to get up and get out of the house. To be around people, to put on my pretend face and try to… try to hold my shoulders high and my head an inch above yesterday. It’s not easy. Especially now. When I feel so alone, when I feel like…things are going to hell. I know, I’m probably wallowing in self pitty but tell me; where the hell can I get all of this shit out? Without going to a shrink… without being locked up alone, without getting drugged to you don’t feel a thing?

To open up is hard. I never do it anymore. Only on special occasions.. when I feel I’m sinking away from everything. When everything falls. As Anastacia once sang

Everything burns
Everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this faith
And all of this pain
Burning all down
Cause my anger reigns
Everything burns
( Everything burns- Ben Moody ft Anastacia)

I can’t help it. I know I have friends, I know I’m loved. But.. I don’t feel it. I can’t see it. All I know is that I need to get away from this. From this live, from this place. Last time I did this,I went to the US. Now I’m thinking about the UK. Just to get away from everything. Start on a new page. Have another chance. I’m not selfish. I’ve put my own state of mind on hold for so many people; my friends, my parents and so many others. Just pushed myself last in line. Perhaps that’s why I’ve survived and haven’t sunk deep down. But I will admit it for the first time, with these words:

I’m suffering from depression.

Just so we’re clear this is Wikipedia’s discription of depression:

In the fields of psychology and psychiatry, the terms depression or depressed refer to both expected and pathologically chronic or severe levels of sadness, perceived helplessness, loss of interest or pleasure, and other related emotions and behaviour

Such a mixture can include (but is not limited to) anger, fear, anxiety, despair, guilt, apathy, and/or grief, in addition to what many people would describe as typical "sadness". It is harmful for the human body and can affect proper functioning of the brain.

There. I said it. Confessed it.

And I just need..love…understanding. I don’t need pitty. I don’t need your “ oh are you alright hunny?” eyes. I don’t need a shrink. I’ve been to so many but they all ask the same, they don’t help. They just… annoy me. I feel like I’m just like everyone else. Nobody is like me. Nobody has gone through what I’m going through no matter how many people have been in the same situation. We’re different, we all go through it differently.

Right now I just need… someone to understand that I don’t want to be like this. That I’m trying as hard as I can to feel better. I don’t know if I can fix it. I know I won’t be cured. But I’ll survive. I’ve always have. I just really could need someone who’d really be there. Not just in the word. But be there when I’m at my worse. Be there when my knees start to crumble. Be there… when I feel like giving up.

What helps me now through these swings? My music esp Evanescence. What’s my favorite song right now?

This one:



Evanescence- Lithium