Update: My life

Right now I'm not doing so good. I don't have any thing I want to do, other then stay home and sleep this bug of depression out of my system. Lately I've been feeling lonely. I've gone to bed and woken up alone for the past years but right now it feels terrible to be alone. Then again.. I'm to afraid to commit to any relationsship with a man. My heart has been pretty beaten up these last couple of years and I'm afraid that only one more blow.. it will shatter beyond repair.

I've been known to isolate myself when one of these waves come over me and people try to get me around and about. But it doesn't really help when my beautiful friends drag their bf into everything. Ugh:-( I know.. I'm having a real feel sorry for me blog day.. But I can't help it.

Sometimes I wonder if there really is someone for me out there or if I'm going to walk the road of this life all by myself. Carrying on with the one night stands and the secret double mask. I wish I could just open up and let someone in but it terrifies me... And my confident is at it's lowest point. I think I need to get away from it all but then again.. what am I running from? It's not them.. It's me... It all lies within my own mind and soul... and to repair something like that... I don't think I have the strength to walk alone anymore... I just wish that someone could come along and hold my hand, stroke my back in the morning while leaving small kisses on my shoulders....

I need to feel something other than the emptiness inside... I haven't felt love for any man, nor have I felt the flutter or butterfly wings in over a year.. I can't remember how it feels really... God.. I need to get drunk...