Update: My life

Right now I'm not doing so good. I don't have any thing I want to do, other then stay home and sleep this bug of depression out of my system. Lately I've been feeling lonely. I've gone to bed and woken up alone for the past years but right now it feels terrible to be alone. Then again.. I'm to afraid to commit to any relationsship with a man. My heart has been pretty beaten up these last couple of years and I'm afraid that only one more blow.. it will shatter beyond repair.

I've been known to isolate myself when one of these waves come over me and people try to get me around and about. But it doesn't really help when my beautiful friends drag their bf into everything. Ugh:-( I know.. I'm having a real feel sorry for me blog day.. But I can't help it.

Sometimes I wonder if there really is someone for me out there or if I'm going to walk the road of this life all by myself. Carrying on with the one night stands and the secret double mask. I wish I could just open up and let someone in but it terrifies me... And my confident is at it's lowest point. I think I need to get away from it all but then again.. what am I running from? It's not them.. It's me... It all lies within my own mind and soul... and to repair something like that... I don't think I have the strength to walk alone anymore... I just wish that someone could come along and hold my hand, stroke my back in the morning while leaving small kisses on my shoulders....

I need to feel something other than the emptiness inside... I haven't felt love for any man, nor have I felt the flutter or butterfly wings in over a year.. I can't remember how it feels really... God.. I need to get drunk...

Overestimated: Books

So I ordered a few books last week and they finally arrived... I'd read some reviews about Kate Douglas's seires " Wolf Tales" on J.R. Ward's web pages www.jrward.com and thought that I would give them a shot since the WARDen has decided to only publish one BDB book a year...

So when the book finally arrived I was in high heaven.. And I loved the opening..then... it just fell flat.. It's okey that I like erotic novels.. but this one.. It felt as if I was reading the score to a bad over played porn movie... There is nothing but fucking, poorly explained situations, idiotic fantasies.. At least in the BDB serires there is a real story to follow not just " fuck me first alone, then please double penatrate me from behind.." Geez.. Although I forced myself to read the book.. And now looking at it.. I have to find a place to put it... it sure as hell won't be next to all of my other books.. Ms Douglas.. please... some plot to your books... if not..I think there is a position open ad Wicked for you as a score writer...

Some info:

The book is about Xandi, a woman tired of everything who is miraculously saved by the hybrid wolf/man Stefan… she wakes up and they fuck. Then they both set out to find the wizard Anton who cursed Stefan for his ignorance. A couple of pages later, they discover that Stefan’s butler Oliver is working for Anton who has loved and yearned for Stephan for five years. They end up having a S/M thing on the floor while Xandi is watching. Suddenly Anton reveals to Xandi and Stefan that they belong to the Chanuk “tribe” meaning that they are werewolfs. Very sexual werewolfs… Who fuck each other dayly no wait hourly. They share mate, though the female Alpha in this case Xandi, chooses who she wants to have as her baby daddy. In this case it’s Stefan. Anton is lonely at this point even though Xandi and Stefan both open their legs and mouths willingly for him. Then there is a twist in the story, Keisha is introduced as a African American woman and also of the Chanuk tribe. She and Anton bond, though Keisha has commitment problems after she was sexually assaulted where she morphed into her wolf shape and killed the men who raped her. She doesn’t really trust anyone so she blocks her mind so that the others can’t reach her but after a while everything changes and she sleeps with Anton, and Xandi only holding back on Stephan who she fucks after he made her realice that she acted out of animalistic instinct the day she killed those men who raped her. The everyone is happy and go back to fucking…. each other...

God this book sucks... STAY AWAY FROM IT....

Marriage: At the age of 20 -

Oh my God... what is it with people these days? I'm freaaaaking out.. WHY ARE THEY GETTING MARRIED? Jesus Christ... I'm sorry... but I don't care how much in love you are at the age of 17-18-19-20... YOU'RE STILL LIVING LIFE... or at least you used to. Shit...

For me, marriage is so way ahead into the future I don't even want to think about it and here... 2/3 of my friends back in the USA are either married, getting married, having their first child or their third. HOLY MOTHER FUCKER. Sorry. I just don't feel that when you're that young, you really know what you want for yourself in 10-15 years. Vows are actually pretty heavy stuff and.. well it's not the "happily ever after because I'm fucking under Gods blessed eye," IT'S JUST WRONG! or at least it is for me. Sorry. Jesus. It's freaking me out over here.

I'm so happy that I'm a European. Shit. At least I know I can do what I want when I want with whom I want and I don't need a fucking ring on my finger. And just so we are clear: I would rather have an abortion if I got pregnant now then keep the child. Just because I'm still a kid at heart pluss... I know how to protect myself during sex. It's called the Pill and... voila: CONDOM....