Bad bad news...

Last week was pretty shitty for me. Lots of things where just going to hell... Still I was looking forward to a new week with new possibilities... You know... sometime I think I'm haunted or something. Or at least not allowed to have a normal life at all.. I'm not going to make this a very very long blog though I feel that I need to get it out.

Yesterday I went to my dads ( divorced parents), happy as ever since I didn't start work until 19.00 ( 7pm). I though we where just going to hang out, watch some Hyacinth Bucket or whatever her name is and relax. Oh how wrong I was. My dad looked serious and a bit troubled but I didn't want to pry or anything. If he had something to tell me then he could just you know... Go ahead with stuff... Next thing you know... Wham.. he drops the bomb.. My uncle ( his younger brother) has just received news that he has colon cancer. The doctors just found it in a blood test, but they don't know how agressive it is, nor do they know how long it's been there... SHIT. CANCER. FUCKING CANCER. AAAAAAGAIN.

I can't begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. It's just weird you know... knowing that one of your relatives have a really serious disease and you don't know if that person will survive it at all.

Though, I hope they can get it all out and that he'll have many many years yet to live. It was just last week or the week before that my mum told me that my aunt ( her sister) got the diagnose regarding breast cancer. So it's just all... very very frustrating. I don't feel like things are settling down. Life is running past me. Escalating into something I can't control and it scares me shitless.

Although I'm not a religious person, trust me... My prayers right now is for my uncle and my aunt. Hopefully they'll both come out on the good side. Alive and healthy..

Just as you guys know, at least you girls, there are ways to watch out for cancer. Females are more likely to get breast cancer so I'm begging you all:

WOMEN:

* Check yourself at least once a week. DO A BREAST EXAMINATION
-----> http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/40000260/

* For you women over 25. Go regualarly to a specialist. Mammography can save YOUR life.
---> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mammography

Men

Prostate cancer is common.. Check out these tips so you can always be on the safe side:
---> http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/facts/checkingtesticles.htm

Today.

Today has been one of the worse days of my life. Or somewhat in that direction. Over the past 4 or is it 5 years I’ve been struggling with depression after my older brother chose to pass over to a world I couldn’t follow. Everyday that passes is a struggle, just to get up and get out of the house. To be around people, to put on my pretend face and try to… try to hold my shoulders high and my head an inch above yesterday. It’s not easy. Especially now. When I feel so alone, when I feel like…things are going to hell. I know, I’m probably wallowing in self pitty but tell me; where the hell can I get all of this shit out? Without going to a shrink… without being locked up alone, without getting drugged to you don’t feel a thing?

To open up is hard. I never do it anymore. Only on special occasions.. when I feel I’m sinking away from everything. When everything falls. As Anastacia once sang

Everything burns
Everyone screams
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
All of this faith
And all of this pain
Burning all down
Cause my anger reigns
Everything burns
( Everything burns- Ben Moody ft Anastacia)

I can’t help it. I know I have friends, I know I’m loved. But.. I don’t feel it. I can’t see it. All I know is that I need to get away from this. From this live, from this place. Last time I did this,I went to the US. Now I’m thinking about the UK. Just to get away from everything. Start on a new page. Have another chance. I’m not selfish. I’ve put my own state of mind on hold for so many people; my friends, my parents and so many others. Just pushed myself last in line. Perhaps that’s why I’ve survived and haven’t sunk deep down. But I will admit it for the first time, with these words:

I’m suffering from depression.

Just so we’re clear this is Wikipedia’s discription of depression:

In the fields of psychology and psychiatry, the terms depression or depressed refer to both expected and pathologically chronic or severe levels of sadness, perceived helplessness, loss of interest or pleasure, and other related emotions and behaviour

Such a mixture can include (but is not limited to) anger, fear, anxiety, despair, guilt, apathy, and/or grief, in addition to what many people would describe as typical "sadness". It is harmful for the human body and can affect proper functioning of the brain.

There. I said it. Confessed it.

And I just need..love…understanding. I don’t need pitty. I don’t need your “ oh are you alright hunny?” eyes. I don’t need a shrink. I’ve been to so many but they all ask the same, they don’t help. They just… annoy me. I feel like I’m just like everyone else. Nobody is like me. Nobody has gone through what I’m going through no matter how many people have been in the same situation. We’re different, we all go through it differently.

Right now I just need… someone to understand that I don’t want to be like this. That I’m trying as hard as I can to feel better. I don’t know if I can fix it. I know I won’t be cured. But I’ll survive. I’ve always have. I just really could need someone who’d really be there. Not just in the word. But be there when I’m at my worse. Be there when my knees start to crumble. Be there… when I feel like giving up.

What helps me now through these swings? My music esp Evanescence. What’s my favorite song right now?

This one:



Evanescence- Lithium

Okey so I’m still sick and alone in my room. What I wouldn’t do for some love right now.. You know what I’m talking about right girls? A guy who can fuzz over you, get you stuff and well just be there. Watch idiotic movies.. and stuff.. anyways since I don’t have the possibility for that.. I’ve been sitting in my room all day listning to music, reading crappy books and chatting on MSN. Yaaaaay for a real life when you’re sick.

Anyways, when I was listing to my music I came to realize that almost all of it is just crap. Ew. I love music but half my music library is crappy. I need to get a new computer so I can download songs and stuff again. My limewire won’t work, and my bit lord won’t work. Fucking things. Hate the with a passion. I need new songs. I should just get rid of it all but what about when I feel sentimental and want to listen to my rap and well ugly whiny music? Help… I’m such a.. . I don’t even think they have a word for it. I know that I don’t. Not without using a dictionary, but I can’t be bothered with finding one. Right now, I’ll just float on my crappy American English haha I suck. I know. Aaaahhh Keith Urban… who doesn’t love “ Tonight I wanna cry?” God makes me want to cry… So hard.

Well back to my point. SO I have sooo many songs in my library that I want to delete, but just find myself incapable of doing so. What should I do? Help……

My Favorite

I thought that I'd just scribble down some of my random favorites... In no particular order..

Evanescence - No one over... Period.


Twilight Saga- Just because I don't care how vampires really are. Nobody knows really how they are..!



Vodka/Battery - give me one of those and I might dance with you xD

Walking....on...a..lonely...road

I thinking, I’m wanting,. I’m waiting for you. The one who will come and make it all true. Though I don’t ever think you’ll come. I will wander on this road until all is done.
The trees are black, the wind is cold. The sun is sinking into the unknown.

While I walk, I see my past, the present and what will never be.
Things I regret, things I have foreseen.
Why did this all happen to me?
I won’t wine, it’s life and it was meant to be.

Things will change. Change is good. Until you discover it has done you good.
I walk on this path, I follow it through. I never back down while waiting for you.
Things might take forever but I don’t care. Life is just an endless pit, very unfair.

Twinkle, twinkle look for a star. Perhaps you’ll get that far…

Honesty? Well... depends

So what to do what to do. Well.. Just stay in bed I think. The whole going out of bed is not really an option atm. Why? Well.. when you feel like throwing up every time you take a step… you know how that feels. Wobbly, acid up you throat etc. Don’t make me come hit you. Anyways. I’m not here bc I have to blog about my fucked up stomach.

Yesterday someone asked me a quite frank question: Am I honest?
You know. I consider myself pretty honest. I tell people what I mean, I keep secrets. It’s just weird thinking about it the other way around. Could you ever imagine me not speaking my mind? Jeez.. That would pretty much suck arse. You know.. it might hurt the ones you love but the truth is better then a lie. Even a little white lie. I try to be as honest about things as possible, though sometimes… well… it just slips. Can’t help it and if you say you’ve never done it you’re a hypocrite. Everyone has. EVERYONE. No mistake.

I have a feeling this one will be very short. Don’t know why. But it is. Anyways. What about secrets? Can I keep one? Yes. Have I slipped up? Yes. Why? Well, if someone has used a secret against me.. fuck you I’ll serve yours in return. You fuck up first? I’ll fuck you over right back. One things I learned when I was in junior high…was not to trust people with large, dark secrets. Though mine wasn’t a secret for very long. Only about 12 hours or so…

Back in the days I was pretty give a shit person. Didn’t care. I had my friends. Stayed with them and tried to stay away from people I didn’t like. This…well.. sucked big time. The more you push people away, the more they’ll want to find out why. When my big secret hit the school… I wanted to run away and… well never come back. I hated them all… hated every single one of their smirks, their taunts and their comments. But still, they weren’t the ones I hated the most. The person that spilled practically ruined me back then. Funny thing is… she’s one of my best friends now. I don’t know how we survived it. But we did. Because I was never the one who told her. The other part of the secret did and it hurt. Big time. But. Now. I doesn’t matter anymore. He was an idiot. But I was the one who got two timed.

Don’t you just hate men? Especially bragging idiotic men? Sweet for sex but sometimes that’s just as far as they go. No offense. I have great male friends I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

To forgive and forget wasn’t easy. Though I learned something. If someone bites you. Bite them back harder. And if someone tries… I will bite. Again.